good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
