PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
