New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's get the cat blown out
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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