your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
