He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
