sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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