I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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