I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
