My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
