Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
