3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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