I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
