somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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