Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
