I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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