Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
