sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
