Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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