I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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