I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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