You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
