***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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