Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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