The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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