I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
