It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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