my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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