i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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