I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
