the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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