I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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