I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize