I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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