textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just threw up on my dentist
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just gift wrapped bread.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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