Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize