i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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