Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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