I bet he comes in French.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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