i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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