I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
