I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
we're so committed to being not committed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
