just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
