I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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