what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize