Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
