Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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