You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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