She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
