I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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