i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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