If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
