god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize