it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
