when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
