you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
