apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
