Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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