I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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