i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
