plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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