Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
