Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
