respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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